27/07/2026
🌸 Okay it’s taken me a lot of thought about whether to post this or not but I feel it’s important to be transparent and honest…..
This past week I’ve hit a wall, I have reached a point where I am unable to keep every plate I have spinning in the air and my body and mind refuses to function.
I have been working 6/7 days per week to pay the bills, the debts that have accumulated through my divorce settlement, the jaguar that I am still paying for and making sure my children’s needs are met as I have no financial support from their father.
I worked non stop throughout my fight with cancer and operations and I think I just put the trauma of that to one side without fully taking it in.
However not only that but also there is a huge element of my being that despises letting people down and showing any weakness, so I fulfil my daily cleaning schedule day after day juggling childcare and sacrificing things that are important to me.
Doing this on top of caring for a disabled daughter and trying to maintain relationships with my partner, our children, friends and family, keeping on top of paper work and care/needs assessments etc and just trying to generally catch up in life is impossible so I ended up spending practically a week unable to function.
This has resulted in me having to cancel my work load and for that I’m sorry.
However in that time I’ve contacted social services (again) regarding some kind of respite for Ellen, contacted a solicitor and mediation for financial support from my children’s father to contribute to Ellen’s life and Faiths future, my soul has rested, my brain has eventually been able to focus and I feel I have a very loose grasp again on tasks that I was losing control of.
I fully understand the implications of being self employed, I understand that when you sign up to that way of life you have no body to fall back on, there is no “annual leave” as such. Yes I manage to get 2 days away here and 2 days away there but as lovely as that was, playing catch up before and after to prevent loss of earnings and disappointed clients I was exhausting myself even more.
So here I am asking for patience and compassion whilst I just get life back on some sort of track and I promise that I wouldn’t have let anyone down unless I really needed to.
Much love
Toni 🫶
