05/02/2026
I asked Chat GPT to write me an unhinged bio..
Kris is not a cleaner. She is a domestic crime scene investigator specializing in the suspicious disappearance of clutter and the brutal takedown of soap scum.
Founder of KDG Cleaning and Decluttering, she enters homes the way a SWAT team enters a building—fast, focused, and emotionally prepared to confront things nobody has touched since 2017. She doesn’t judge you… but she will silently clock that one chair. You know the one. The Chair. The pile has a zip code.
She has seen things.
Things like:
* 14 half-used cleaning products that all do the same thing
* A junk drawer that could legally be classified as an archaeological dig site
* 63 unmatched Tupperware lids plotting against her
She doesn’t ask, “Do you want to keep this?”
She asks, “Be honest—has this item brought you joy, or has it just been… watching you?”
Her natural habitat includes:
* Bathrooms that have gone through emotional hardship
* Move-out cleans where the previous tenant clearly said “that’s future me’s problem”
* Kitchens with crumbs that have achieved generational wealth
She has a sixth sense for:
* finding things you swore were gone forever
* identifying surfaces that look clean but are lying
* knowing exactly how long it’s been since that baseboard was acknowledged as a member of the household
Also—plot twist—her own house? Occasionally looks like a raccoon hosted a small gathering. Because she is not a robot. She is a mother. With a child who can destroy a clean room in 2–4 business minutes.
Her hobbies include:
* aggressive decluttering
* reorganizing spaces she doesn’t even own (mentally, constantly)
* resisting the urge to fix other people’s pantries when she’s just visiting as a guest, all while not judging anyone.
She doesn’t clean for aesthetics.
She cleans for psychological warfare against dirt.
Kris:
part professional cleaner,
part chaos coordinator,
part emotional support human,
and part “if you don’t throw this away, I will think about it later
