Joseph Zappen Turbomite Exterminator

11/12/2024

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11/02/2024

Mike Kirst

07/10/2023

Did you hear the one about the cats?

It's several stories actually.

#1
Joe Zappen's's dad, Bill Zappen, collects classic cars and didn't like it when cats left paw prints on his cars. Bill caught the cats and had Joe "take them for a ride."

That's a euphemism for dumping the cats in the foothills on the far side of the freeway so that the cats could never come back.

It also meant that they would get eaten by coyotes.

They did this to people's pets, cats with collars.

They did this a lot.

They never felt bad about it.

#2
Once Joe's mother-in-law asked Joe to give her cat George a new home. George was painfully shy and hid in her closet.

Joe promised that he would, but he threw poor George into his neighbor's back yard.

The neighbor never saw poor George.

George had been pampered and could never survived on his own.

Joe felt that he had been generous to George because he didn't take him "for a ride."

AND he took credit for finding George a good home.

#3
And then there is Gaila Cat. . .

Joe's wife was pregnant with their second child together when a stray cat came into the house and took a nap in his wife's rocker.

His wife fed the cat and the cat stuck around. The cat was very sweet and the children loved her.

One day, the cat gave birth, but she didn't feed the kittens. They were dying.

Joe completely lost it and kept shouting at everyone. He called the cat Gaila Cat after Gaila Noel, his mother who abandoned him. It was so bad that Joe scared his children.

This went on for days.

For days, it was
Gaila Cat!
Gaila Cat!
Gaila Cat!

The kittens died and Joe took Gaila Cat "for a ride." He never mentioned Gaila Cat again.

That's so Joe.

07/09/2023

Did you hear the one about Othello?

Joe Zappen taught his wife how to play Othello and they would play together after work.

At least until she started to win.

At that point, he told her that he had played the game during the day on his phone and he was too bored to play it with her.

But she would watch him play Othello on his phone in front of her.

So she'd ask him, if he was bored with it, why was he playing it on his phone in front of her.

Joe: "You're mistaken."

Wife: "No I'm not. It's right there."

Joe: "Nope. You're wrong."

It's called Gaslighting.

That's so Joe.

07/08/2023

Dear Joe Zappen,

You never helped me.

You're the reason that the children don't talk to me.

You keep taking credit for trying to repair the damage that YOU caused.

You've done NOTHING.

I tried being nice and begging, but you did NOTHING except take credit for something you never did.

But I'm a monster for lashing out at you on the internet BECAUSE you did NOTHING.

Something can't "go south" when it never went "north".

Destroying my relationship with my children is literally the worst thing that you could have done to me.

But you don't think that it is a big deal because love doesn't mean anything to you.

But, hey, you got your rocks off crushing my soul when we were together and you never stopped.

07/08/2023

Unless you are Joe Zappen.

A dad will give up everything and live like this just to see his kids.

07/06/2023

Did you hear the one about the eggs?

Joe Zappen and his wife were separated and the kids were in grade school.

Joe: "How long are eggs good for?"

It took his wife a minute to figure out that he meant the ones inside her body.

She's like, "What ???"

Joe: "Well I know I really screwed up this family. But we make really attractive kids. So I want some of your eggs so I can have a couple more kids and get it right this time."

Wife: "Here's an idea. Why don't you get it right with the family you already have???"

Yes, this really happened.

He really thought that he was entitled to put her through a painful medical procedure.

He really thought he was entitled to her giving away what would have been her babies like they were a Good Will donation.

He really thought that while he had no clue what he had done wrong with his current children, that simply having a new set of children would mean that he would "get it right" if he had replacements.

He really thought that he had no obligation to "get it right" with his existing family.

He really had no clue how profoundly hurtful and obscene his request was.

That's so Joe.

07/06/2023