16/04/2025
Minister of Transport Says Licenses Will Be Handwritten While Government Tries to Fix the Country’s Only License Printer
PRETORIA – Minister of Transport Barbara Creecy revealed today that all South African driving licenses will now be handwritten, following the mysterious breakdown of the nation’s one and only driver’s license printer – affectionately known in government circles as “Bheki the Printer.”
“We had hoped Bheki would recover after a good dusting and a few solid bangs on the side,” Creecy stated during a press briefing held at a local Engen garage because “load shedding hit the Union Buildings again.” “Unfortunately, the machine has given up the ghost. So, in the spirit of ubuntu and maak 'n plan, we’re going back to basics: pen, paper, and a really good cursive.”
South Africans can now look forward to queuing outside DMVs for personalized, artisanal licenses scribbled by government interns trained in grade 5-level penmanship. When asked about forgery concerns, Creecy responded, “We’ve bought R12 million worth of Tippex. We’ll handle it.”
New Design, Retro Feel
The new handwritten licenses come with “a charming 1994 aesthetic,” complete with carbon copy paper and a bonus pack of Chappies. A spokesperson from the department added that the change is “a wonderful throwback to simpler times, before everything required a barcode and functioning technology.”
Social media exploded with reactions. Twitter user ranted: “Imagine being arrested for a fake license and your defense is ‘I swear, my uncle’s friend wrote it himself, he works for the department!’”
Tender for a New Printer Coming Soon (Maybe)
In typical style, the department has issued a tender for a new printer, estimated to cost R750 million and expected to arrive in 2032. The printer will also double as a coffee machine, paper shredder, and possibly a vaccine storage facility – because why not?
Meanwhile, a black market has emerged offering “bespoke license calligraphy” for R250 per document, or R400 with lamination and a glitter border. The department warns against these “unofficial” licenses, unless they look really good.
When asked if the department considered using more than one printer moving forward, Minister Creecy responded with a puzzled look, saying, “What are we, Switzerland?”
